They say laughter is the best medicine. Which explains why my health insurance is so cheap.

Your intelligence is like Wi-Fi — technically there, rarely connected.

I treat leftovers the way I treat responsibilities: I'll deal with it tomorrow.

You make simple things look intellectually demanding.

I've seen rocks with more personality.

You bring everyone so much joy when you stop explaining things.

Your brain runs on hopes and buffering.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I express my sadness through excessive online shopping and pretending it's self-care.

You’re impressively certain for someone so consistently incorrect.

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn't even listening.

Sharing a blanket is a beautiful gesture until someone wakes up wrapped like a burrito and you're just cold.