How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.