Your brain is where good ideas go to reconsider their choices.

I don't multitask. I just switch between tabs and call it a skill.

My family tree is a cactus. We're all pricks and we don't touch each other.

I'm not saying you're slow, but snails file complaints about you.

Coffee: because adulting is hard and mornings are a scam.

The secret to a long relationship is separate blankets and selective hearing.

Nothing ruins a Friday afternoon quite like an email titled 'Quick Question.'

Your brain has entered energy-saving mode permanently.

I don't get angry. I get quiet, and then I write a strongly worded text I never send.

Your brain deserves more time off. Apparently.

My alarm clock and I have a hate-hate relationship.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right, indefinitely, until you agree.