If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Your brain has commitment issues with reality.

You're not the sharpest tool in the shed. You're not even in the shed.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Your IQ and room temperature are in a close race.

I'm not avoiding my feelings. I'm just very busy scheduling time to deal with them later, indefinitely.

Your brain is experiencing unexpected competence issues.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I have the emotional range of a teapot: fine, fine, fine, screaming.

I cried once this year. It was a commercial about a dog. I'm not proud.

My relationship with vegetables is complicated. We're on a break.