Sharing is caring, unless it's the last slice of pizza, in which case, good luck.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that.

I put my phone on airplane mode. It's been flying for six months.

I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just closed for renovations.

Your brain is on permanent airplane mode.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

Love is sharing your fries and immediately regretting it.

Your brain treats facts as optional updates.

You’re a strong argument for reading the manual.

You're the reason the warning labels got longer.

Sharing a room taught me one thing: personal space is a myth invented by people without siblings.

I'm not saying I hate you, I'm saying you're the human equivalent of a Monday.