I know my partner loves me because they still text back after I send fourteen memes in a row.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I have feelings. I just don’t let them run the meeting.

Your opinion is like a software update. Nobody asked for it, and it's probably going to cause problems.

My diet plan is 'see food, then reconsider everything,' and it's not working.

I'd share my umbrella with you, but it turns out I only care about staying dry, personally.

A goldfish has a 3-second memory. Which explains why it's always so excited to see the same castle.

We don't fight, we just have really passionate disagreements about whose turn it is to take out the trash.

I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I ordered a salad once. It was a cry for help that no one answered.

A shrimp's heart is in its head. Explains a lot about some people's priorities too.