You're not stupid, you just have bad luck thinking.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

The meeting could have been an email. So could most of my job.

Some people think outside the box. You’re still looking for the box.

I'd explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.

The office fridge is a crime scene and everyone's a suspect.

You have the confidence of someone who skipped the instructions.

Thinking isn’t your problem. Finishing the process is.

In every relationship, there's a designated 'finder of things,' and it's never the person who lost them.

I'm great at sharing, as long as it's advice nobody asked for.

My heart says yes, my anxiety says absolutely not, and my bank account says please don't.

I've met houseplants with better comebacks.