I don't need a relationship counselor. I need someone to agree with me faster.

Your brain isn’t empty. It’s just remarkably spacious.

Your mind is open. Mostly because nothing’s guarding the entrance.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Ducks can sleep with one eye open and half their brain awake. Some people can't manage that during a Monday meeting.

Your brain is proof that silence can be productive.

My inbox has 4,000 unread emails and a personality disorder to match.

Cereal is just cold soup for people who've given up.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I believe in sharing equally, which is why I ate my half and half of yours.

Relationships are 50/50, unless you count who actually remembers the anniversary, then it's more like 90/10.