The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.

You work like you're being paid to do nothing.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

I think, therefore I'm single.

You set the bar low and still managed to limbo under it.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're chasing it as when you're on it.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it lands on your head and leaves a mess.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and think, 'I wonder what happens if I squeeze these and drink whatever comes out'?