You set the bar low and still managed to limbo under it.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're chasing it as when you're on it.

Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it lands on your head and leaves a mess.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and think, 'I wonder what happens if I squeeze these and drink whatever comes out'?

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

I've been called worse, by better.

You're the reason I prefer animals to people.