We've all heard a million monkeys banging on typewriters will eventually reproduce Shakespeare. Thanks to the internet, we know this isn't true.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

You have the social skills of a parking ticket.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

You're not the worst person I've ever met, but you're definitely top five.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

You're the type of person who'd look for the Wi-Fi password at a funeral.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.