Your brain has excellent storage. Shame about the processor.

A happy marriage is the triumph of two people pretending they didn't hear that comment.

I'm not saying I'm Batman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in a room with functioning smoke detectors.

Koalas sleep 20 hours a day and are still considered less lazy than that one coworker.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm doing 'side quests' before the main storyline.

Your brain called in sick. Again.

The true test of friendship is sharing fries without doing the sneaky hand-count first.

Your thoughts need adult supervision.

I'm fine is a complete sentence and also a complete lie.

I'm happy to share my opinion. In fact, I insist, repeatedly, whether you asked or not.

You bring a whole new meaning to the phrase 'natural selection skipped a generation.'