Your brain works best when left unopened.

You have the perfect face for radio and the perfect voice for silent film.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I don't skip meals. I just have really long gaps of forgetting to eat and then eating everything at once.

Your train of thought has been cancelled indefinitely.

My love language is you doing the dishes without being asked.

My favorite exercise is a round trip to the fridge.

The five second rule is really more of a personal challenge at this point.

My job is easy. I just tell people I'm busy and look at a spreadsheet.

Dogs have no idea they're dogs. They just think everyone else is bad at fetching.

I'm not saying I hate Mondays, I'm just saying my out-of-office reply activates itself out of instinct.

Your brain has excellent battery life. Barely gets used.