Your brain came without instructions. It shows.

Your brain is running the free version.

Pizza is the only thing I've ever committed to without hesitation.

Your brain has one job. Awkward.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very good at conserving energy for absolutely nothing.

Some people share their feelings. I share memes and hope you understand the assignment.

Corporate wants you to find the difference between 'urgent' and 'due whenever I feel like it.'

I'd roast you, but my mother taught me not to waste good material on preheated ovens.

Behind every successful person is a partner rolling their eyes.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I'm not overthinking, I'm just giving the situation the twelve hours of consideration it never asked for.

My productivity peaks at 4:58 PM, right before I have to leave.