You're not even worth the calories it takes to argue with you.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers and the middle one's for you.

You have a face only a mother could love. On a good day.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it'll annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

The hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Isn't it odd that everyone assumes the goo in soap dispensers is soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

You are proof that even oxygen can be wasted.

Just about the time you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

I could give up chocolate, but I'm not a quitter.

Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.