Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.

You look like you were assembled from leftover parts.

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them.' I say 'if you can't beat them, beat them,' because they'll be expecting you to join them, so you'll have the element of surprise.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.

Drink coffee — do stupid things faster, with more energy.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

You're the reason the warning label says 'do not eat.'

You look like you were drawn by someone who'd only heard a description of a person.

You have a face I would never get tired of — looking away from.