Dark Humor

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that.

I put my phone on airplane mode. It's been flying for six months.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

I'm not saying I hate you, I'm saying you're the human equivalent of a Monday.