Dark Humor

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

I have all the money I'll ever need — if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them.' I say 'if you can't beat them, beat them,' because they'll be expecting you to join them, so you'll have the element of surprise.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all their life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very good at conserving energy for absolutely nothing.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.